Pro Tip: Real gamers don't need loading screens!
WE'RE ALWAYS READY TO FRAG!
Born in 1982 with a mouse in one hand and a plasma rifle in the other, Tom emerged from the primordial ooze of dial-up internet ready to PWN n00bs across the digital battlefield.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Tom, that handle is embarrassingly cringey!" But back in '98, that name struck FEAR into the hearts of Counter-Strike scrubs everywhere! I once got a 47-kill streak on de_dust2 while eating a sandwich. The sandwich was delicious.
Picture this: 32 players, 16 CRT monitors, enough Mountain Dew to fill a swimming pool, and me with my custom-tuned Quake 3 config. The battle raged for 18 hours straight. By dawn, I had achieved the impossible: a negative ping time of -5ms (don't ask me how, it's classified). My railgun accuracy? 347%. Yes, that's mathematically impossible, but tell that to the 50 consecutive headshots I landed while blindfolded.
"Tom doesn't play games. Games play themselves in fear of Tom." - IGN (probably)
PRO STRAT: Stand completely still in the middle of the map to assert dominance. This confuses enemies so much they forget how to aim. Works 60% of the time, every time.
FAVORITE MAP: Q3DM17 (The Longest Yard) - I once rocket-jumped so high I had to file a flight plan with air traffic control.
WEAPON OF CHOICE: Railgun. Why? Because instant deletion of n00bs from across the map never gets old.
PRO STRAT: Kick down every door. Don't open them, KICK them. Doors are for quitters and people who don't chew bubblegum.
FAVORITE WEAPON: Devastator (dual rocket launchers). Subtle? No. Effective? Groovy!
SPEEDRUN RECORD: Completed the entire game in 12 minutes while eating a burger and trash-talking aliens.
PRO STRAT: Always aim for the feet with the Flak Cannon. Not because it's more effective, but because watching enemies dance is hilarious.
FAVORITE GAME MODE: Instagib CTF. One shot, one kill, infinite glory.
SECRET TECHNIQUE: The "Tom Tornado" - spin while shooting the Minigun for 10 seconds, then rocket-jump. Results may vary (usually explosive).
PRO STRAT: Always carry the crowbar, even when you have better weapons. You never know when you need to open a crate... or someone's skull.
FAVORITE MAP: Crossfire - Nothing beats sniping with the crossbow while the nuclear warhead counts down. Pressure makes diamonds!
PRO STRAT: Buy the AWP every round, even as a terrorist. Economy is for people who can't hit flickshots.
SIGNATURE MOVE: The "No-Scope 360 Through Smoke While Defusing" - banned in 47 countries.
CALLOUT MASTERY: I invented half the callouts on de_dust2. "Ninja spot"? That was me.
Increases accuracy by 500%! Side effects may include carpal tunnel and uncontrollable fragging.
Makes Duke even more badass (scientifically impossible, but we did it). Now with 200% more attitude!
Warning: This skin is so epic it may crash your PC from sheer awesomeness overload.
Replaces all weapons with rocket launchers. Balanced? No. Fun? ABSOLUTELY!
Changelog for my imaginary game that's better than everything else combined.
Original shareware versions of games that defined a generation!
Est. 1998 | Undefeated Since Forever | Powered by Mountain Dew
"Another flawless victory! Notice how I had more kills than their entire team combined."
"Speed run world record on Deck16. I finished before some players even loaded in!"
"It's called 'tactical positioning,' n00bs!"
โโโโโโโโโ โโโโโโโ โโโโ โโโโ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ โโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโโโโโโโโโ โโโ โโโโโโโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ โโโ โโโโโโโ โโโ โโโ
"ASCII art was the original emoji. Deal with it! ๐"
"Strategy is for people who can't aim!"
Part of the exclusive "Elite Gamers Only" webring since 1999!
This site is best viewed in Netscape Navigator 4.0 on a CRT monitor while listening to chiptune music and eating pizza. Internet Explorer users may experience spontaneous combustion. Use at your own risk!